Gizmode: Alternative narrative March 26, 2008
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Humour, Travel.8 comments
If you have read my last post Gizmode, the bot in my pot, I hope you will appreciate this alternative narrative of the same.
If you have not read my last post Gizmode, the bot in my pot, I hope you will appreciate this post as is :)
Someday, given enough time, motivation & computing power I may make a video of the same too. Or maybe, even an audio podcast… but then the idea of suitable ambient sounds would gross you out, right? :-p
In the meanwhile, here goes…
Gizmode, the bot in my pot :: Toilet humour series March 15, 2008
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Humour, Travel.6 comments
This post (also originally titled: An Ode To A Commode) is in continuation of two different threads of posts previously seen on Swadeshe:
The intended continuity with the first link is Korea. (Any GIGO inferences are your own and not mine!) The intended continuity with the second link, has, of course, to do with the ’substance’ of the post.
Ok, let me cut the crap (figuratively only) and get on with the post…
One could safely assume you have come across psycho-analytical articles on the power of the ‘remote control’. Remember the references to Shiv Sena supremo, Bal Thackeray, while Manohar Joshi was the Chief Minister of Maharashtra. Or in contemporary politics, the equation between Sonia (yet so far) ji and Manmohan ji. Or closer home, ‘who wears the pants at home’, being replaced by ‘who holds the remote at home’. Actual power vs. perceived power.
The essence captured in one word — CONTROL. Let’s admit, all remotes, consoles, dashboards are all about CONTROL.
Think Star Trek. Think Shakaal (in Ramesh Sippy’s Shaan). Think James Bond. Think Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me.
(Of course this is true only on one side of the great technology divide. On the other side of the great technology divide, jiski laathi usi ki bhains, still remains the power-defining adage!)
And now, presenting Gizmode, the ultimate seat of power and ‘control’.
Ironically this at a place where the main job is to let loose, and not to control! Control is what you do till the time you get there!
Don’t waste your time looking for the mug, paper roll, hand shower, jet faucet or any other ‘means’ you’ve ever used at your ‘ends’!
The control is right beside you.
Let’s start with the button that seems to be the most ‘not-wanted’ in the land of prolific production. It’s called ‘ECONO’. Let me ask you this, would you ever — EVER — want to try ‘econo’ and be at the receiving end of a feeble trickle or a faint shower? ‘Supply’ shouldn’t fall short of ‘demand’, you see!
The next set of buttons gives you an idea of the kind of control you get to wield here. It’s called ‘TEMP(erature) CONTROL’. Nice, you say. Immediately thinking of the water temperature options one has in Delhi. Icy cold in winters and scalding hot in summers!
Wait, there’s more. You also get to adjust seat temperature here! Again you think, that the closest you’ve come to temperature control on toilet seats is when the seat is left warm by the person using the toilet before you!
Next. You can control the WATER PRESSURE! Ah! Now the delight starts. (Especially in contrast to the water canon that masquerades as a hand shower in my office toilet!) That’s not all. You can also control the DRYER TEMPERATURE! Oh! Does it mean there is a ‘dryer’ also there? Yessir, you got it!
If you’re the kind who gets overwhelmed with choices. Play safe, go with ‘AUTO’. Which is touted as the option FOR CHILD(ren).
.
Next up — NOZZLE POSITION. What’s the big deal with nozzle position, you ask? Everything, the sensitive ones would answer! :-)
[Read this interesting account of a similar Gizmode in Japan, by Xiaxue, arguably Singpaore's biggest blogger celebrity]
If you are already saying ‘bring ‘em on, baby’ — the next set of buttons are MASSAGER and DRYER! :-D
I tell you, I don’t know of a real-life equivalent to this! The closest I could think of is a combination of the predominant Indian ‘technique’ and some amount of hedonistic perversion! Incidentally, this is first set of buttons with Korean sub-titles. Some cultural insights to be made here, eh?
The button that comes next reminded me that all through my years of architectural studies at the School of Planning and Architecture, I never really got on top of a bidet — both literally and figuratively!
[If you are interested: Reference reading material here]
The next button in a way is all you ever wanted to do here — WASH! Of course, if you had forgotten what you had wanted to do, the accompanying graphic reminds you suitably!
And not surprisingly the most prominent button that’s right at the beginning of the ‘control’ — especially if you’ve fumbled or got yourself into a mess with any of the preceding options — is STOP!
.
So what else would I want from this robot in my pot?
Considering that I did not eat well — (read this) — if only it could do something about my constipation!
Some funny signboards August 1, 2007
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Humour, Travel.5 comments
Some funny signboards collected over time.
Shop in Seoul, Korea:
Obviously this has a cultural context. I don’t know about other places, but in India, the little finger is sometimes used as an action-euphemism for answering nature’s call! Yeah, this was not a men’s room — just an auto-accessory shop!
.
Shop very close to Jaipur on Delhi-Jaipur highway NH-8:
This signboard is dirty. Oh! Not for the pun in the syllabic-abbreviation S EK C — but the actual dirt on it!
.
On the way from Shenzhen to Hong Kong:
Ahem! What in the world do they mean by Character City? So, by implication, others are characterless cities, eh?
.
Shop in Coex Shopping Mall, Seoul, South Korea:
Even though this is an English word too — I read it as a Hindi word! Predictably, this shop had nothing to with India or Indians!
.
On the way from Shenzhen to Hong Kong:
Ok, I shall refrain from spelling that out as this blog has a family audience too! (I mean members of my family read it :-p)
.
Related:
Whether this disappointed you big time or interested you even a wee bit — you must check out eye5.blogspot.com for an awesome collection of Indian signboards by Nikhil Kulkarni.
Awesome leg…pieces July 27, 2007
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Humour, Travel.5 comments
Delicious!
Ooh! What a dish!
Yummy!
In most situations we would assume we know what these exclamations were for. Right?
But if you were to see the following images, you might start thinking a little differently! Pay attention to the labels.
I swear, there’s no PhotoShop kind of manipulation work involved in these above images! (Incidentally, I don’t even use PhotoShop anymore. Instead I use GIMP. You should try it too. It’s a cost-free, guilt-free and obligation-free open source software that does most of what you do with PhotoShop.)
Coming back to the subject…
So is this Korea ki goriya taking her afternoon meal for a walk, eh?
:-p
Hold on, don’t throw up! The food labels (Original Home Dog & Home Chilli Dog) were merely the result of crude translation of Hot Dog into Korean and then their cruder translation back to English!
:-)
————————————
Legnote, oops, Footnote:
It is not that all Koreans eat dogs, all the time.
It is not even that some Koreans eat dogs all the time.
Not even that all Koreans eat dogs some time.
Just some Koreans eat dogs some time.
And most of the people we met had not eaten and would not eat dog meat.
Apparently this has a direct correlation with the economic prosperity of the land — with other costlier sources of protein being available to people.
A vegetarian goes to Burger King, Korea July 18, 2007
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Humour, Travel.20 comments
Based on a real storie story. (Blame that typo on Aap Ka Kaa Suroor Surroor! And this one too!)
It’s all about loving your vegetables. (Blame that on Karan Johar!)
To all the vegetarians out there…
In a land where people are said to eat dogs, never walk into a fast-food joint and ask for a ‘hot dog’ — they might take it literally! (Ok, that was joke to kick start the post!) And offer you Tommy HighFiber! (Joke again)
To play it safe, walk into an American fast-food place. (Thought being: You have eaten at American fast-food places in India, so this would be a ‘little’ different at best!)
Then order something that meets your high vegetarian standards — a cheeseburger. (Thought being: A cheeseburger is a cheeseburger is a cheeseburger!) Then you see the line ‘…sometimes we wish we were you…’ Touché!
All you now need to do is turn the burger over. (Thought being: Maybe they have another sweet message for you over there!)
Of course font-sizes DO NOT make a difference here. The message that has to catch your eye — catches your eye! (Thought being: It’s not just beef. It’s 100% beef! ) Holy cows! (pun intended)
And then something like this…
Becomes something like this…
Out you go!
Now you understand why they say: “Have it your way!”
All this happened to a hungry young man recently!
Travelling to China – (2): Chinese pandas in Hong Kong April 25, 2007
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Humour, Travel.add a comment
Last month when I was in Shenzhen China I happened to pick up the South China Morning Post (published out of Hong Kong). This was part of my efforts at being a conscientious visitor who tries to get a feel of the country to reel-off authentic first-hand gyaan about an alien place/culture/ to people back home!
Guess what caught my eye…
…This ‘moving’ story, literally…
…About these two pandas, that China gifted to Hong Kong!
And the names of these dramatis personae?
…No. 606 and No. 610!
So what happens in a society where almost all of people’s needs as per Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs are already met?
They call for a public consultation to name these pandas!
And since this seems the most pressing issue, topical humour around this is only to be expected… (click picture to enlarge)
:-)
Auto-Manipulation April 6, 2007
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Travel.5 comments
If you have read GreatBong’s recent post, you would have an entirely different impression of the phrase auto-manipulation! But if you have also read Kiruba’s recent post, that is the kind of auto-manipulation I am referring to here!
Though having stayed in Chennai for around two years, I don’t think the Chennai autos are as bad as they are made out be. See the way it works is like this:
Scene:
Chennai. Saturday morning, 11:00am. You wish to go from Thiruvanmiyur to Spencer Plaza, Anna Salai. You approach the nearest parked auto(s)…
You: Anna Salai, Spencer Plaza
Auto-driver: Anna Salai? Spencer Plaza?
You: Yes
Auto-driver: (Nod of head, indicating his willingness to go)
You: How much?
Auto-driver: One twenty Rupees
You: No, that’s too much (Accompanied by a disagreeing nod of the head)
Auto-driver: Ok, how much?
You: I pay sixty Rupees everyday
Auto-driver: (Why-are-you-kidding-with-me kind of a smile and head-nod)
You: (Keeping a straight I-am-in-control kind of face)
Auto-driver: Ok, hundred
You: No, sixty
Auto-driver: (with his eyes he has conceded that you are not a total knock-over) Ok, eighty. (And as if to show he means business, he bends over to pull-start the auto — since the Bajaj autorickshaw models have an oxymoronish hand-kick)
You: Ok, seventy final (and now you bend to get into the auto and convey that you mean business too!)
I templated this kind of exchange, and it worked 9 out of 10 of times. And each such exchange, would set the benchmark for the price — to be bettered the next time, or at worst, held on to! For example, in the above scene I would have actually paid 75 rupees the day before! Soon you would come to a point where 9 out of 10 auto-drivers would not accept your intended price — now that is the free-market price!
This contrasts with Bangalore (2001) where, at 8:30pm my hosts requested me to finish dinner quickly otherwise we would not get autos to get back home. The auto-driver is told of the destination. Agrees to it, and then says it is already time for the night-charges. We agree. We get in. He starts the auto. And after about 2-3 minutes of driving stops to inquire if we meant point A or point B. And whatever be our preference, he had misunderstood it as point B or A, respectively! And obviously it was going to cost us more. Now that there is already an escalation of commitment, we have no option but to agree!
Obviously this contrasts with Mumbai where (in a majority of places) you get into an auto and just state where you have to go. And if you get into an auto/taxi at 11:30pm for a journey that is likely to take 1 hour — at 12 midnight, the driver makes a note of the meter reading, and then at the end of the journey — charges you regular fare for the first 30 minutes and the night-fare only for the last 30 minutes of your ride. (Yes this has actually happened to me!)
And of course this contrasts totally with Delhi where you get into an auto/taxi at 10:15pm for a journey likely to take 40 minutes. Somehow, you get delayed and the journey ends at 11:05pm. The driver would insist that you pay night-charges on the entire journey! And some people would pay up out of gratitude that he didn’t rape or loot them!
Delhi auto-drivers actually give you justifications for the way they are. Consider this banner I saw on the back of an autorickshaw sometime back.
What it roughly says is:
Vidhayakon ka vetan bada x%
CNG ki keemat badi y%
Auto ka kiraya bada 0%
——————————-
Dilli mein (auto) kiraya 3.5Rs.
Chennai, Bangalore, Pune mein 6.0Rs.Imaandaar rahein to kaise?
Sadly the photo is bad, but you get the picture, right?
Legislators salaries went up by x%.
CNG prices went up by y%.
Auto fares went up by 0%.
——————————-
Auto-fares in Delhi Rs.3.5 (per km)
In Chennai, Bangalore and Pune Rs.6.0(Even if we want to) How can we remain honest?
Touché!
Travelling to China (1): Mobile Roaming with Airtel April 4, 2007
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Travel.add a comment
Two weeks back I had to travel to Shenzhen in China on a business trip. While there are several insights, anecdotes and images I will be sharing in the posts and times to come, the first post was the easiest to compose.
As an Airtel mobile subscriber, I had seamless roaming coverage between networks as we travelled from Delhi to Bangkok (airport transit) to Hong Kong to Shenzhen and the same route back. This even included GPRS access, at speeds I felt were better than in India. (Haven’t received my bill yet, so don’t know how would the GPRS access be charged, since in India I have a flat monthly fee / unlimited access subscription to GPRS)
Here are all the SMS messages one received on changing/entering networks:
From: Airtel
Date: 18.3.07 9:37 am
Airtel wishes you a pleasant stay in Hong Kong. You have logged onto China Resources Peoples Telephone Co LtdFrom: 8525059
Date: 18.3.07 9:37 am
Welcome to PEOPLES Hong Kong! Calling home / other countries? Dial <001> <country code and area code> <phone no>.From: Airtel
Date: 18.3.07 9:39 am
Airtel presents Roam-Saver! Dial *108 # and press the calling button to know how to send a free Call-Back SMS to any mobile while u are roaming Internationally.From: 8525059
Date: 18.3.07 9:53 am
At PEOPLES, besides voice calls, you can use GPRS Roaming to continue accessing WAP, internet and other data services provided by your operator back home.From: SMC-Vod
Date: 18.3.07 11:54 am
Welcome to HK! Enjoy SmarTone-Vodafone quality GSM DualBand network-make local call:dial HK Tel No directly; IDD call: dial ?<+?>?<Country code?>?<Area code?>?<Tel No?>From: SMC-Vod
Date: 18.3.07 11:57 am
Welcome to Hong Kong! Use SmarTone-Vodafone & dial *368 to enjoy dining/shopping tips and roaming assistance.From: Airtel
Date: 18.3.07 5:53 pm
Airtel wishes you a pleasant stay in China. You have logged onto China Unicom.From: Airtel
Date: 18.3.07 5:55 pm
Airtel presents Roam-Saver! Dial *108 # and press the calling button to know how to send a free Call-Back SMS to any mobile while u are roaming InternationallyFrom: +10010
Date: 19.3.07 10:13 am
WELCOME TO CHINA AND USE CHINA UNICOM’s NETWORK,PLEASE DIAL + FOR INTERNATIONAL CALL/SMS.ENJOY YOUR JOURNEY IN CHINA.From: Airtel
Date: 19.3.07 11:46 am
Airtel wishes you a pleasant stay in China. You have logged onto China Mobile.From: Airtel
Date: 19.3.07 11:48 am
Airtel presents Roam-Saver! Dial *108 # and press the calling button to know how to send a free Call-Back SMS to any mobile while u are roaming Internationally.From: HKCSL
Date: 21.3.07 7:02 pm
Welcome to CSL! You can now enjoy FREE WiFi service in Hong Kong till 30April07, compliments of CSL & BRIDGE. Dial *199#SEND for USER NAME & PASSWORD.From: HKCSL
Date: 21.3.07 7:02 pm
CSL FREE WiFi -To check details & hot spot locations, visit “Local Promotion” of http://conciergego.mobi/go.jsp?c=HKG from your phone or call our hotline *275.
What do you say, aren’t Airtel messages the smartest of the lot above? (If you ignore the fact that you received their messages every time there was a change of network) The most cryptic seem to be the ones from SMC-Vodafone. And the ALL CAPS message is from China Unicom!
I recall a post I had written earlier Smart SMS from Airtel Mumbai where I had pointed out the difference between the messages that network providers send you when you enter their networks on roaming.
Yunhi Challan Chal Raahi… December 12, 2006
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Travel.4 comments
I got a traffic challan last month. Awrite, technically it was my mistake. But actually I had been led up the wrong ‘path’, literally.
Imagine you are taking some friends from ‘vilayat’ out for dinner. You zero in on an ostensible parking lot by the road. The ‘parking lot attendant’ directs you to a comfortable slot. You have a wonderful evening out and when you get back into your car you see this on your windscreen.
At first I thought it was some pamphlet, the kind that lazy direct-marketers leave on the wind screens of cars in parking lots. So I tried to brush it off, but it was stuck to the windscreen. So I came out of the car, and this is how the ‘pamphlet’ looked like from the outside.
Grrrrr! Insult to injury…
Of course the ‘parking lot attendant’ was nowhere to be seen.
After I had mentally resigned myself to paying up the fine I thought about the various ways in which people get penalized for wrong parking.
1. On the spot challan
The easiest and smoothest. You come back from whatever errand you’d set out for, and a traffic cop awaits you by your car. You pay him Rs.100. He issues you a receipt. End of matter. No corruption, instant gratification!
2. Wheel clamp
You come back from whatever errand you’d set out for, and discover a metal clamp jutting out of your front wheel, immobilizing your car. Since the clamp is an asset for the cop — he can’t be far away, and would surface soon. However, this is a ‘long-term remedy’ method that penalizes the driver (in the hope that s/he won’t repeat the same mistake) but does not remove the wrongly parked vehicle from the spot of potential chaos!
3. Postal challan
You come back from whatever errand you’d set out for, and drive-on in life. A few days later you receive a challan by post. Most of the times you don’t agree that you have been deservingly penalized. You then have two options — to either contest your case to prove that you are innocent, or pay up Rs.100. Not surprisingly, most people prefer the second option!
4. Sticker challan
The above-discussed scenario. But what if someone were to rip off the sticker from the car parked next. The driver/owner of the car parked next would never know s/he had been challaned and would end up getting court summons!
5. Tow-away
You come back from whatever errand you’d set out for, and your car is nowhere to be found. With mounting palpitation you wonder if your car has been stolen. Sometimes, little mercies occur in the form of eye-witnesses who tell you your car has been towed away. The mercies end when you need to first find out the police station where such cars are taken and then gauging the physical damage to your car!
Oh, by the way, I paid up my fine at the required police-station where the queue for my-kind-of-challan was the shortest! Some mercy!
Go ogle Air: A cut above the rest August 30, 2006
Posted by Rahul Razdan in Airlines, Humour, Travel.4 comments
Lest you get the wrong impression, I was in fact referring to the hemlines of the air hostesses’s skirts on Go Air! And what’s the desi touchstone for measuring that? The number of heads constantly dropping along the aisle!
Go Air has got one thing right to start with — a visually snazzy graphic style (which contrasts starkly with Air Deccan’s kindergarten-quality of graphics) and use of colours in the crew uniforms.
As far as other airline specific parameters are concerned — Go Air claims to have a 90-odd percent ontime record. (Granted, my flight took off on time) Also, drinking water is on the house.
In case you didn’t know who owns Go Air, you just have to look at the underbelly of the aircrafts — where, in glory reminiscent of swanky car-stickers in Delhi proclaiming ‘Malhotra’s’ or ‘Sunny’s’ — is emblazoned — Wadia’s! The family that owns Bombay Dyeing and one of whose scions is supposedly being dated by Preity Zinta!
Credentials established, you settle into your seat and reach out for the seat pocket in front of you. Expecting yet-another-inflight-magazine on the lines of Swagat of Indian Airlines, Jetwings of Jet Airways or Simplifly of Air Deccan, what you get is Gladrags! This ensures there are plenty of glad lads around!
While Air Deccan has given its own reasons for being able to offer tickets at lower prices, Go Air further cuts costs by providing copies of its family magazine (family owned, I mean), and that too an old dated issue. Well one argument could be that an ogle-mag has no time-stamp. Fortunately, what I get is the December 2005 issue — which means, it has the complete compilation of Miss January, Miss February all the way till Miss December. Sigh! Why are there only twelve months?
Flipping through Gladrags, I was a little conscious (apart from being cost-conscious, of course!), so could not spend more than a few seconds on a each page. Which means I had reached the back-cover (of the magazine, please) in as little as a few minutes.
Wanting to spend some time ‘reading’ typed text, the only option I had was to go through Letters to the Editor (Maureen Wadia, in case you didn’t know). And one of them was a master-piece (or should I say a master-two-piece) letter which went something like this:
Dear Editor,
Please give us…
<snip>
bikini… bikini…
<snip>
bikini… bikini…
<snip>
bikini… bikini
<snip>
Aishwarya Rai… Bipasha Basu…**
<snip>
bikini… bikini…Yours sincerely,
(Of course, I snipped out the irrelevant words!)
Time to reach for the seat pocket of the next seat, and another issue of Gladrags…
** From the promos it seems Dhoom-2 or D:2 is addressing this issue :)
